How I Met Your Cosette
by yallaintright
Summary: Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad", I had this whole other life. And then, on my very first day at university, everything changed. (Ted!Marius, Marius/Cosette (eventually), E/R, Courfeyrac/Éponine)


_(Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story. The story of how I met your mother. Twenty-five years ago, before I was "dad" I had this whole other life. And then, on my very first day at university, everything changed...)_

Marius is lost. And drunk. Marius is so, so drunk and so, so lost. And Marius is not a happy drunk. Marius is a sad drunk. Marius is a very sad drunk. And right now, Marius is a very sad drunk who can't find his dorm room. His life sucks. He's very far away from home. He doesn't know anyone. The weather is too cold. No one here gives a damn about him. He misses his house. He misses his friends. He misses his _fridge_.

And a fire destroyed his Sims' house last night. Homeless sims make him sad. He weeps for homeless sims. The world is a cruel place for homeless sims. The world does not care about homeless sims. As soon as he's sober, he's creating a secret society for the protection of homeless sims. Marius has always _so_ wanted to be part of a secret society.

Marius has also always wanted to _not_ be homeless, but here he is, walking up and down an empty dorm corridor, having no idea where his room is. His life sucks. _The world_ sucks.

He slides down the wall and settles down on the floor, getting ready to have a nice sob about it all when he notices a door slightly ajar to his right and light shining from within. At last, salvation! At last, someone who will help him fight for sims' rights! At last, someone who may let him puke on their bathroom. Things are most definitely looking up for one Marius Pontmercy.

He opens the door without knocking - and really, he was taught better than this - and is met with striking blue eyes and the long blonde hair of the most beautiful human being he has ever seen. The most beautiful _naked_ human being being he has ever seen. The most beautiful _naked_ human being he has ever seen tied to a bed and looking the opposite of concerned about it.

_(And then I opened the door and there was beautiful blonde human being... er.. baking cookies. That was it, kids, the blonde was baking cookies.)_

"Why are you tied to the bed?" Marius asks stupidly.

_("Why are you baking cookies at this time of night?", I asked.)_

"Why are you even here? Fuck, I thought that door was closed, I'm going to kill - Wait, are you drunk?" And yeah, he should have seen that coming.

"I am drunk because of the injustices of the world! I drink for the injustices of the world!"

The blonde's face lights up at this, like it's completely normal to have conversations about the injustices of the world when you're tied to a bed and _oh fuck Marius means the sims and he can't say that now can he oh god what if the blonde hates him oh God he is too drunk for this he is so so drunk and he has to go, he has to go right now_. He runs out of the room as fast as his legs will carry him, closing the door firmly behind him and immediately falling flat on his face when he trips on his own feet. That's a new development, his feet being there. He doesn't remember when that happened. He is _never_ drinking again.

"Oh, hello," he says to the floor, because it never hurts to be polite. "Come here often?"

The floor, unsurprisingly, ignores him.

"Are you still alive in there?" The question comes from the other side of the door and Marius rolls onto his back to answer.

"I don't think the floor likes me," he complains.

"Just how much have you had to drink?"

"I just had a drink. And then another one. And another. I sort of lost count after that."

There is a very pregnant pause. "Are you likely to drown on your own puke if I stop paying attention to you?"

Marius considers this. "I don't think I'm that drunk. I'm just lost. And sad."

"I see," the person on the other side says slowly. "In that case, I'll just mind my own business, yes?" If Marius was sober, he'd know this was an invitation to shut up. As it stands, he takes it as an invitation to tell the person on the other side of the door his entire life story, starting with the time when he was five years old and his goldfish died.

_(The blonde, of course, couldn't leave because otherwise the cookies would get burnt.)_

"And then, when I was ten years old I lost my Tamagotchi - "

"Oh God, _please_, for the love of God, just shut up - "

"Wait, no, I have more - "

There is a groan from the other side of door. "I will pay your fifty dollars to shut up."

"But I haven't even told you about my new roommate hiding all my clothes today."

"You are the most depressing drunk I have ever met. Please, stop."

Marius' lip may wobble just a little.

"Marius, there you are!" Someone shouts and Marius finds himself looking up at the very amused face of his new roommate - Courfeyrac, the guy is called. From the other side of a door there comes a shout of delight.

"Er, why are you on the floor?" Courfeyrac asks, from somewhere near his feet and _what the hell, there are two of him?_

"You were up here. And now you are down there. And now you are both down here and up here. Please, will the real Courfeyrac please stand up?" Marius asks, dissolving into a prolonged fit of giggles.

"Oh god." Both Courfeyracs say, exactly at the same time.

"This has been a very stressful day." Marius whines, when the giggles have died down.

"Clearly." Courfeyrac-at-his-feet says, while shaking his head.

"One of you, please take me to bed!" Marius cries, wrapping his arms around the nearest Courfeyrac when he leans down to help him sit up.

Courfeyrac looks disgusted. "I am _not_ drunk enough for that, Pontmercy. There is not enough alcohol in the world for me to be drunk enough for that."

"I fell in love with the floor," he pathetically informs Courfeyrac's shoulder, where he has buried his head. "It wouldn't talk to me."

"May God have mercy on the floor's soul," the furthest Courfeyrac says.

"You're mean." Marius tells him and with a pathetic looking pout.

"Alright, up we go," the nearest Courfeyrac says, pulling him slowly to his feet and keeping a steadying arm around his waist. "You probably aren't even going to remember this tomorrow, but that's Grantaire. We're high-school friends."

"Wait, he isn't you? I thought he was you. This is so, so confusing." He tries to consider this as thoroughly as his drunken brain will allow. "I think it's the hair, there's just so much of it in both of you. Can I play with your hair? It's so fluffy, it'd be just like playing with my cats. You know, I miss my cats. I'm just so lonely, you know?"

Grantaire and Courfeyrac share a very amused look and Courfeyrac shakes his head. "Man, he's a worse drunk than you, I swear."

"I'm an awesome drunk, shut up." Grantaire shushes him and the voice from the other side of the door speaks up once more.

"Grantaire, is that you?"

There is pregnant pause. "Yes?" Grantaire says tentatively.

"I am going to _strangle_ you. There is going to be blood. It will be very painful." A pause in consideration. "And you're going to owe me a thousand - "

_(- lollipops, the voice said. Uncle Grantaire was going to have to find a thousand lollipops. )_

Grantaire seems confused. "What'd I do now? You were to one who told me not to bother untying you before I went out to buy condoms."

_(Uncle Grantaire had thought it'd be okay for him to just go down to the store to buy extra eggs in case more cookies were necessary.)_

"Kinky," Courfeyrac says with a leer on his face.

"And you couldn't remember to lock the damn door behind you?" The blonde shouts outrageously, ignoring Courfeyrac.

"Oh fuck, I forgot to lock the damned door. Courfeyrac, _please_ help - " Grantaire begs.

"A time must come when we all must accept our fate. But I will miss you when you're gone," Courfeyrac whispers mournfully, and pushes him gently towards the door. "So long, old friend, and thanks for all the booze!"

"Tell my cat I love her!" Grantaire whimpers as he unlocks the door, with the face of a man going off to war.

There is a flash of _very_ angry blue eyes but then Grantaire is blocking Marius' view, as he steps into the room and closes the door behind him.

As Courfeyrac starts to drag Marius towards their own room, he can still hear the blonde's shouted threat directed at him. "I swear to God, if you ever talk to me about your lonely soul again, I will fry your own insides and feed them to you. I am _not_ your fucking therapist."

_(And kids, that is the story of how I met your uncle Enjolras. ) _


End file.
